Buying Beets and Finding Strength

I’ve come to realize this truth. Grief is an interesting thing. It clouds the mind so much so that reality is bent in a way that keeps you confused. Take for instance my continued purchasing of beets. Bud and I love beets but pretty much no one else in the house does. In the last month or so I’ve purchased nearly a dozen of them. But I can’t seem to bring myself to cook them. They remind me of Bud so they sit in the refrigerator until they are soft and moldy. And then I go out and buy more, knowing it’s too painful to cook them because they remind me that he is not here to enjoy them with me.

Why, you ask? I have no idea. It feels comforting when I find fresh beautiful red and yellow beets with vibrant green leaves at the local farmers market and I can’t wait to go home and cook them. My father-in-law taught me how to do a quick pickle with them and it’s our favorite way to eat them. Or I’ll roast them, coated in olive oil and salt. But I can’t seem to find the ability to do it.

And at the same time that all of this is going on, I’m having conversations with my sister about taking a trip of a lifetime to Italy and Greece one day. The trip Bud and I dreamed of for years. I’m making plans knowing that I need to move on. The plan will be, as my counselor has told me, is to bring Bud along with me. Talk to him as I explore the beaches, the architecture, the beauty of these ancient countries but most importantly, share with him the experience of the food. It would have been his absolute favorite part. The challenge that lies ahead is moving on with my life but bringing Bud along with me.

My first attempt at this was a few weeks ago. I spent a few days back in our house and recorded a video of he and I walking through our house and talking. Crying and remembering the joy and thanking God for the memories we spent there for almost 30 years. It was painful and joyful all at the same time.

How do I navigate this new season, this new life? How do I move forward when I’m still waiting for him to walk through the door or hold my hand when I get into bed at night? Honestly, I don’t know. But somehow Monday becomes Wednesday, which becomes Sunday and I start all over again. My life is filled with joy and laughter from my girls, frustration over navigating challenges alone, pain that cuts me off at the knees some days and a lot of love from those around me.

A friend gave me this verse and I wanted to share it with you, dear readers, in hopes that in the midst of whatever you’re facing, you can feel God’s presence.

Deuteronomy 33:12 says:

“Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in him,
    for he shields him all day long,
    and the one the Lord loves rests between his shoulders.”

Let’s break this down for just a moment.

You and I, as children of God, are His beloved. I’ve always loved that word..beloved. To be loved. It describes someone who is dear, precious and adored. When we feel like God has abandoned us, remember those words; remember the words that God uses to describe us. We are adored. We are precious and dear. We are His beloved.

So, let the precious, the beloved, the adored of the Lord rest secure in Him. Think about when you are truly at rest; when you feel completely safe and secure. A time when you can sleep restfully, peacefully, knowing you are safe, you are loved. What a beautiful picture of who God is to us.

For He shields him all day long. As we study, we understand that Moses is speaking these blessings over the tribes of Israel and this particular verse we are talking about was spoken over Benjamin. So God is saying to Benjamin through Moses, “I, the Lord your God, will shield you all day long.” As you go out to work, I am there. As you come and go throughout your day, I am there. As you sit and eat with your family, I am there. And as you lay your head to sleep at night, I am there.

 And Moses finishes this blessing with my favorite part of this verse. “And the one the Lord loves, rests between His shoulders.” Wow. What a powerful promise to us all. I’m a visual person, as you may know, and I picture Benjamin, heavy with burdens from the day, resting, securely in God’s open arms. I see his body ease and relax from the work of the day and as he slows his breath, he lets his head lean back and rest upon God’s shoulders. It also brings to mind that between our shoulders resides our heart.

 Now picture yourself, heavy from the day, feeling pushed and pulled by the world around you, heavy with the responsibilities you face, coming to a place where you meet with God. Picture sitting, exhaling the worries of the day, and resting back and leaning on God’s mighty shoulders, hearing His heart sing songs over you; closing your eyes and feeling safe and secure, loved and adored.

 This is what I’ve been fighting for the last month or so as I faced some difficult challenges. Fighting to make room for God in my heart and in my life. Why do we fight so hard and put Him last when it’s the safest place for us? It’s a mystery to me. I feel like Paul when he opened up his heart to us all and admitted that he does what he doesn’t want to do and struggles to do what he knows he should. How frail we are. And yet, God knowing all of this about us, still loved us and sent His Son to rescue us.

 On my back home after the holidays, I realized that I had pushed myself way too hard and tried to accomplish too much that I wasn’t ready for when I visited our house in New Orleans. It took its toll on me emotionally and mentally.

 On my last leg of my trip, I had a near breakdown in the airport. Fear gripped me from seemingly nowhere, my heart started racing uncontrollably, my legs came out from under me and a full-blown panic attack nearly brought me to my knees. Tears started to flow and I wasn’t sure I could get up and get on the plane. It was like an unseen assault on my mind and heart. People were passing with looks of concern but no one stopped. Thankfully my strength returned and I was able to take deep breaths and pull myself together.

 My friend who gave me this verse said she believes the strength came from God’s mighty shoulders. I believe her because it was not my strength I leaned on that evening alone in the airport. My strength was completely gone. I believe that in that moment I experienced that blessing that was meant for Benjamin and for me. That I would be able to lay my head and rest on His mighty shoulders and find the strength to make it home.

I believe someone needs to hear this today. You are at the end of your strength. Maybe you’re like me and you’re the one everyone comes to for strength and encouragement. Maybe, like me, you find yourself in unknown territory because you don’t want to admit that you need help; that you need someone to come alongside and pick you up. Don’t let pride keep you from experiencing the love of those around you and especially the love of the Father.

 Dear friends, I may not be at the place where I am able to cook Bud’s favorite beet recipe yet but I’ve been able to walk through some experiences that I didn’t think possible. And so can you.

Find a place where you can experience God’s rest, true rest. And fully embrace this truth. This does not make you weak. This is where your strength comes from. The Bible says that in my weakness, He is made strong. When I realize that I can’t go on is when I finally turn to Him and accept that it was His strength that I needed all along.

As I write this today, the beautiful chimes that a friend gifted to our family in honor of Bud, sings clear and loud outside my window. It’s a song of hope and love. Its beautiful song reminds me that there is beauty if we will just sit still, breathe and listen for it. May you sit still, breathe and listen as God sings over you; songs of healing, strength and love.